27 weeks!

I don't know why I started this blog if I was never going to post anything. I even bored myself, I guess.

So, to sum up the last few months. We found out in week 15 we're having a GIRL! Chandler was ecstatic, I've never seen him so happy and proud. Alice Rose Matteucci. We had the ultrasound on a wednesday and a gender reveal on the following Sunday. It was so hard keeping the secret. I almost let it slip several times. Next time I'll probably do the reveal the day before. If there's a next time. I don't think I want to do this again. Sometime always hurts or I'm almost always uncomfortable and I'm starting to get more heartburn and indigestion. I need to eat small meals, but even when I'm hungry, I burp like I'm full and I'm always afraid the burp isn't going to come up alone. It seems like things flare up around Friday and go until Monday. I wonder if she has growth spurts then. One weekend, I had a horrible pinched sciatic nerve for those 4 days. I cried thinking it was forever. But it passed after that Monday. Last weekend (I think), my chest started to hurt. Like my sternum or the ribs under my boobs. I'm assuming my uterus is making more room for itself and therefor pushing all of my ribs out of the way. It hurt for a few days and then again by Tuesday it had passed. Until a few days ago when the damn cat decided to torpedo herself off my chest and inflamed it for a day or two. It's okay now. When I sneeze, I feel like I'm being punched in the chest and stretching can get slightly painful, but otherwise I don't feel it. I guess my ailment of the weekend is just the constant burping and indigestion.

We also had our level 2 ultrasound about 6 weeks ago. Alice is perfectly healthy. I'm feeling her move around on a regular basis. She kicks like crazy when I lie on my right side. And I'm pretty sure I felt hiccups today. I can't wait to meet her.

Father's Day

Chandler's been wanting a pocket knife, so I got him one and said it was from the baby. We've been calling him or her "Jelly Bean". We took it camping with us this weekend. It came in handy a couple of times. The campout wasn't too bad. Because of all the rain last week, all the trails were muddy and we were goaded into going on a hike anyway. We had to turn back early and sit out some later hikes because it was just too much for me. Chandler hates camping for two days. This trip falls near the bottom of our list of good trips. It rained, it was muddy, our firewood wouldn't cooperate and the fires we had, which are my favorite part, were disappointing. As was the food, considering most of it was supposed to be cooked over the fire. I'm just glad I've passed the stage of feeling sick and completely exhausted so I could enjoy the enjoyable parts of the trip.

It's alive!!

I haven't been updating in a while. I'm so lazy. After that 9th week of extreme nausea, I started to feel a lot better. I still get randomly exhausted and my stomach will get upset if I don't eat, and I've had some bad phlegm problems typically in the morning that get me gagging. But otherwise, I've been feeling much better.

We went in today for an appointment. My OB intended to just listen to the heartbeat with a doppler, but she couldn't pick up the heartbeat. I was so scared. We had to wait about a half an hour for the ultrasound room to clear out. Thankfully, our baby is perfect. He/she has a clearly defined head, and little arms and legs, and was bouncing around. It was so wonderful to see.

Rose Dream

I had a dream about Rose last night. We had plans to go to a carnival but she canceled for the second week in a row. I went to her house to drop off some shower decorations, cause she was going to throw the baby shower, and told her I was upset about her canceling again. I don't know if I knew in the dream she was going to die but I knew that our time together was going to end very soon. I told her I was gonna miss her. She rushed over and hugged me and said that we were going to win a UFO award for a movie we made about UFO's. We never made such a movie but at least in the dream her saying it made me laugh. I woke up very sad and felt sad all day. 

10 Weeks?

Well, I'm stupid. Last week wasn't week 10 like I assumed. It was week 9. I got a little confused. I thought the app I was using was going something like "9 weeks and 6 days", which would be ten weeks, but it literally just meant the 6th day of week 9. So, i've got 3 more weeks, at least, of feeling crummy, and that's if I meet the average of feeling better after 12 weeks. I was hoping to be past that for our campout in two weeks, but I guess not. Oh well. The price of motherhood, right?

10 weeks!

Today completes 10 weeks! As I read, and feared, the 10th week was the worst so far. Luckily, still no vomiting but I have some gags and dry heaves, and have been nauseous pretty much nonstop all week. In previous weeks, it was mostly just in the morning, maybe occasionally in the evenings, and week 9 I felt pretty good stomach-wise, but all this week it was all day long. I would only feel better immediately after eating. I've also been as exhausted as ever. I came home the other and collapsed on the bed and had Chandler change my clothes for me. I was that tired. Today, though, I've felt pretty good. There's been the occasional upset belly, but I've felt pretty good and pretty energetic. I hope that keeps up. Feeling sick non-stop gets frustrating and it's easy to lose sight of what you're doing all this for. Also, we're going camping in two weeks. I've been looking forward to it for months, so I don't want that to be ruined by the nausea monster.

Week 9!

Because I spend too much time on the internet researching that what I fear, I kept reading that weeks 9 and 10 are the most common worst weeks for morning sickness. Week 9 was the best for me so far. Anything could happen heading into week ten now. I feel a little icky in the morning, but I've found that eating a hard boiled egg before I leave for work really helps even me out and I get through the day without really feeling sick, as long as I keep something in my stomach. My only other issues have been gas and exhaustion. I feel like I'm hooked up to a helium tank that keeps refilling me. My husband says, "Why don't you just burp?" Well, yeah. But 1) I'm not some neanderthal that can sit their burping at will and 2) even if I could, pregnancy gas fills right back up again. And the exhaustion. Oh, the exhaustion. A couple of days ago, I was so exhausted I started to cry. And I had like two hours left at work. I texted my husband that I was "so exhausted I could cry" and he responds with "me too." He's lucky he's breathing right now. I had to lecture him about 3 different times since then about how he is never to compare us. He can't out-pregnant pregnancy and it's ridiculous to even try. He's not trying to be insulting, but it is insulting. I'm not exhausted because I can't sleep, or because I got up early, or because I worked all day. I'm exhausted because there is a human being inside of me sucking up every ounce of my energy to give itself life. Nothing compares. Men, right?

So tired

My 3-day work weekend is finally done and I'm off tomorrow. I've been sleeping better but I'm still really tired. I was nauseous all of Saturday and Sunday (mostly while at work) but today it passed after breakfast and I've felt good ever since. Hopefully that keeps up.  I'm glad I'm off tomorrow. I'm still upset about that bullshit on Friday. I worked hard this weekend, all by myself, while feeling like garbage most of the time. I don't want to look at any of my coworkers right now.

People. What a bunch of bastards.

So, yesterday, I got up for work after yet another sleepless night. I even laid out on the couch for a while thinking watching some TV would make me sleepy, but nope. I watched two episodes of Girl Meets World and was still wide awake, so I went back in the bedroom to stare at the ceiling in there. So, anyway, because I had another sleepless night, I felt pretty crappy standing up. I was kind of weak, I was exhausted, and I was queasy. My hips also hurt. It's not unusual for my left hip to hurt, especially if I lie on it for too long, but it was unusual for both sides of my hips to hurt. I decided I wasn't going to work. Put up with a bunch of crap while feeling like crap? Hell no. I called and the person who answered said, "Sigh.... so-and-so wants to leave early and so-and-so is on vacation." I might have been talked into sucking it up and coming in but she was completely rude so I just said, "Okay?" And then said bye and hung up. Fuck that. She knows why I feel like crap, she's been pregnant before. And I have to work this whole weekend, plus Memorial Day. I gave zero fucks about coming to work while feeling like shit so other people could leave early for their 3-day weekends.

Galloping horses!

I had my first OB appointment yesterday. I was sooo nervous. I didn't know what was going to happen or what they were going to do, and I had this fear in the back of my mind that the doctor would look and there'd be no baby. I've heard stories of women who were pregnant but when they went in for the first ultrasound, there was no yolk sac or no heart beat.

The appointment wasn't so bad. My parents came along in case we were going to see or hear the heartbeat. The ultrasound was the first thing the doctor did. She said, "We're gonna put this wand in you." and I was like, "Wait, what? In?" Chandler was worried that it wasn't clean, but I said that I was more concerned about where it was going. However, it didn't hurt. Just felt weird. But we saw our baby. <3 Perfectly implanted. Based on the size 7 weeks, 1 day. We heard our baby. Nice, strong heartbeat of 160 BPM. Sounded like horses galloping. I cried. My mom cried. I couldn't even believe it.

Before we even left the office, I posted the ultrasound pic on Facebook, along with this status update:

"So, I went to the doctor, peed in 2 cups (and on my hand), filled 8 vials of blood, had a few different things stuck up my vagina, and then this."

Chandler started calling him or her "jelly bean". <3

I can't stop looking at that picture.

Food!

The baby has made me a fickle eater. It's picky and indecisive just like it's daddy. We planned on having steak on Sunday. I love the way we make our steak. But that morning, I was like, "Ew, no steak." I've been wanting tacos for like two weeks. We bought all the stuff and I supposed to make them yesterday but then I was like, "Ew, no tacos."  I had a craving for cake yesterday, bought a piece, at some of it, and then said, "Ew, I don't want cake anymore." Today, I took three different things to work with me for lunch to ensure there'd be something I would eat cause apparently I can't trust that what I pack in the morning is going to sound good by lunchtime. 

The other problem I'm having is that I can't sleep. I fall asleep right away at night but I sleep about three hours and then spend the rest of the night tossing and turning, wide awake. So, on top of just regular pregnancy tiredness, I'm tired from not sleeping enough. But I just keep telling myself, it's better then puking. I shouldn't complain. 

Week 7, day 2

On Saturday, I went to garage sales with my parents. Then we did some grocery shopping. It was nice to spend some time just the three of us. It doesn't happen and once the baby gets here, I doubt it'll ever happen again. We're not above buying used stuff like some of you prissy pants, elitists. We saw so many cute girl baby clothes but obviously we don't know what it is yet. No need to waste money but some of the outfits were only like 50 cents or a dollar. There were a couple of houses with ridiculous prices. Some women be like "this outfit is $50. Because I paid $80 in the store." Bitch, I don't care what you paid. This is a garage sale. Nobody's paying $50 to buy some old outfit out of your garage. Bye, Felicia. 

My mom found a play pen that looked practically new for $25. She got it so she can  have one at her place. I spent most of the day being nauseous but that was about it. Sunday, I wasn't really nauseous but I had trouble eating cause my appetite was so fickle. The idea of eating most things made me want to puke. I was also tired and out breath anytime we did something. We went for a walk around the mall and on the way to the car I got so tired and out of breath, I had to sit in the grass while Chandler went to get the car. The whole time I'm thinking, "This is how a missing person crime show starts." But luckily I was not kidnapped. 

Today was more of the completely exhausted/short of breath. Better then being nauseous though. So I guess I shouldn't complain. Though either way it's a reminder here's life growing inside me with is completely overwhelming sometimes. 

I'm not funny anymore!

I'm worried I've lost my sense of humor. Typically, most of the things I write are funny. I write reviews and recaps and other things for a site called Project Fandom. Before that, I wrote stuff for a site called Vagina Con. I've written fan fiction, short movie scripts, and just other random stories and they're always funny. This blog is boring as hell. I haven't showed it to anyone but when I do, who is gonna want to read it? I don't even want to read it and it's mine! Hopefully I haven't forgotten how to be funny. I want to write something worth reading, ya know? Something that will make people laugh. Something that "sounds" like me. Maybe I just need to get more comfortable in this pregnancy. My first OB appointment is next Thursday and I'm nervous something will be wrong. I keep reading about blighted ovums, and chemical pregnancies, and embryos that just never grow. Maybe once things are confirmed and safe, I'll be able to be more relaxed in my writing.

Mother's Day

Today's Mother's Day. We spent it at my brother's house. His boyfriend, and the boyfriends aunt, brother, and parents joined us. Along with my brother, sister-in-law and the niece and nephew. And of course my parents. Chandler had gotten orchid corsages for my and my mom and my mom gave me a beautiful orange Lily plant. Hopefully I can keep it alive. It was a great time. We barbecued and hung out. My brother's boyfriend's aunt brought her 3 month old daughter along. She was so cute. I got to hold her a lot and we talked about how a year from now that'll be us. The aunt started talking about testing for Down's Syndrome and the odds for miscarriage which thoroughly panicked Chandler. I understand why. Baby's with problems like that require more money to care for and we don't have money. But we also make too much money to get any assistance for anything. If our baby has Down's and we keep it, we'll essentially end up living under a bridge. Fingers crossed for a healthy baby. 

Week 6 Day 4

Yesterday was interesting.

I've been nauseous on and off since lunch yesterday, mostly on. I feel better immediately after eating but it doesn't last long. But if this is the worst I'll have to deal with, it's not that bad. I'm nervous it will get worse and worse though.

Last night we went to Walmart. We've had the crib bedding we want picked out for months and every time we go to Walmart, we stop to look at it. We're waiting until at least 3 months to make any big purchases like that. Last night, everything was on clearance. Walmart is getting rid of the whole Carter line, they said. So, we grabbed everything. With the clearance prices, it only cost us about $100 for everything. Today, we ran out to a different Walmart to see if they had any more sheets. We thought it was good to have about four.

It's so cute. I can't wait until it's time to set up the crib.

Last night I had a dream that the husband and I went out to a David Cook concert. It was in somebody's house, cause we were walking through the house and kept passing him and he was a major douche. I don't know why my subconscious would do that to me. We never saw the show because I started bleeding and we thought it was a miscarriage and had to leave. I woke up freaked out, but wasn't bleeding in real life.

Week 6, Day 1

I've been keeping up with my baby's progress. Right now he or she should have eyebuds and a heartbeat. Very alien looking.

So far any symptoms I have are fairly mild. My fingers are crossed they stay that way but I guess we'll see. I had a few moments of extreme fatigue but those passed quickly and now I just feel sort of tired all the time. I feel a little nauseous during the car rides to work but that's about it as far as tummy troubles go. My worst symptom (and I'm not complaining! I'll take this over the worser possibilities) has been these cramps I get on and off throughout the day. They feel like period cramps or very intense gas pains in my intestines. I've read it's fine as long as there's no bleeding. Just my intestine's softening and/or uterus stretching. My boobs are also huge. The husband is happy but it hurts to sleep on them and if I have my bra off which I do at night and usually in the evenings when I'm relaxing, they hurt worse with no support. They're practically bowling balls.

Week 5

So, other than the occasional bought of exhaustion, and one day last week where I was short of breath all day, I've had few pregnancy symptoms. Not that I'm complaining, but two or three days went by without those two things even happening and so we got a little paranoid and decided to take another pregnancy test just in case the first two tests and the doctor were wrong. Or maybe something happened. It was still positive, but it sort of eased our paranoid minds. It's our first baby and we both have been reading a lot about it, so we're on high alert.

Today this, Chandler was making a pizza in the pizza oven and it smelled horrible. My stomach was turning. I had to sit by the open balcony door to breath fresh air and not nasty pizza odor. I guess that's my first ever pregnancy smell aversion. But Home Run Inn pizza is nasty anyway. My baby is already smart.

It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

The funeral was yesterday. I couldn't really speak at it. But I wrote her parents a note inside of a card. I told them about the baby. I wanted them to know what their daughter meant to be and how empty things are going to feel from now on. The funeral was nice. I'm glad I went. But I don't feel any different. The world feels more different now, but things still feel as surreal as they did the day before. My husband asked her mom if I could have one of the roses off the bouquet that was on her casket. I'm gonna dry it and put it in a container. Then I'm gonna make a memorial shelf for that and a photo of the two of us.

Today, I got up early and I meant to look through the pictures from C2E2 last weekend but instead I'm scrolling through old threads on Openly Clay, the fan forum Rose and I met on way back when. I'm looking through old messages and they go way to 2004/2005. I can't believe how quickly that time has gone bye. In a way I miss that time. "The good old days" I keep referring to it, even though I know they weren't good days at all. I hadn't met my husband. I was in a sucky relationship that would end a couple of years later. But Rose and I were back in the early days of our friendship. This was years before we even started hanging out in person. We had so much time together ahead of us and now we have nothing. I'm just sitting here in the living room crying quietly while my husband sleeps in the bedroom. He's very sweet and supportive and I wouldn't have been able to handle any of this without him. But sometimes he says things like, "Cheer up. Be happy for the sake of the baby." And I can't just "cheer up". My best friend is dead and our whole lives are different and nothing will ever be the same. We all sat in our hotel room the other night... and she wasn't there. It just felt so wrong. Especially when Mark is around. Those two were attached at the hip and for him to be there and her not, it just feels so weird and so wrong. This is gonna hurt for a long time.

4 Things

1) This bra isn't going to hold these girls on much longer.

2) Exhaustion hit me about halfway through the day today. I'm not sure if it's pregnancy or a side effect of grieving the loss of my friend. I've slept better the last two nights then I did the first two nights, but it takes me a long time to fall asleep. I just think about her a lot.

3) The last two days, I'm short of breath all the time. I guess it's the baby starting to suck my breath out.

4) Chandler and I went out today to Babies r Us just to look at baby stuff. I can't wait until we know what we're having so we can buy some clothes.

Grandma's

I had a bad day today. I didn't sleep well. I couldn't get through the first day of work since Rose died. Doing that normal everyday thing while she no longer exists was hard. I spent half a day at work and then went home. As soon as I got home I cried on the floor in the kitchen with the dog. She only cared about licking the tears of my face cause she likes salt.

Chandler and I went to the doctor tonight to get an official confirmation. Two positive pregnancy tests wasn't enough, we wanted to hear it from a doctor. We were so excited to hear a yes for sure. We were planning on telling our mom's on Mother's Day, but then we realized it's next weekend and not this weekend like we thought, and that's too long to wait. Plus, we could all use some uplifting right now. So, we got two cards that said something about Grandma and then signed it, "Love, Baby Matteucci". We were going to go to my mom's house but it turns out her and my dad were at the McDonald's just up the street from where we were with my niece and nephew. I called mom outside, she read the card and cried, called dad outside, he read the card and got very excited. I told my nephew Bubba he was gonna have a new cousin... he wasn't thrilled at all. Then we ran over to his parent's house and told them and they were equally as excited. It definitely cheered up my day. But of course as soon as I sat down at home, the grief hit me like a wrecking ball again. It passed quickly though. I can't believe i'm gonna do this without Rose. I want to do a gender reveal party. We would have planned it together, she would have made wonderful food, it would have been a great time. Same with a baby shower... i'm sad.

Is it over yet? Can I open my eyes?

My best friend died within 24 hours of finding out I was pregnant. She never even got to know. We weren't going to tell anyone other then family until the end of the first trimester. She was sick and in the hospital for months. If she hadn't been in the hospital, I might have told her right away. But in her condition, she wasn't really able to communicate. And if I were in her position, I don't know that I'd want to hear stuff like that. I remember after my last breakup everybody started getting engaged and I just wanted to hit everybody whose life was coming together. I figured she'd get a little better and she'd be back to talking and I'd tell her. Or I might have waited until I told everyone. Now it doesn't matter. She can't be told either way. She died never knowing. And I can't even be excited for myself. I mean, I am. But it's definitely marred by this. It's really really hard to be excited about new life when someone close just lost theirs. My stomach is in knots. On top of my anxiety about any impending morning sickness I'll have to deal with, I'm having trouble eating. And when I don't eat, I get an upset stomach from acid reflux. When I try to eat, most of the time my stomach just clenches and I can't even swallow. Crackers and peanut butter and toast are some things I have on hand in case I start feeling bad and need to eat light. But those are also the things I have the most trouble choking down.

I remember when I got married, I told her I was worried that when we had a baby, people wouldn't want to hang out with us anymore. She said we'd probably be too busy to hang out with her. I told her, "No way. You're gonna be Aunt Rose." And now it turns out we were both right. If this baby is a girl, it's middle name will definitely be Rose.

I'm gonna miss her.

Unreal

This still feels so unreal. This morning in the shower I touched my abdomen and thought to myself, "My baby's in there." Before I know it, it will be a full grown human. My mom has full grown kids having kids and someday that'll be me too. The circle of life!

But now I have other things to freak out about. As I've mentioned the idea of being sick and vomiting (and of course, giving birth) has had me freaked out. I had mini panic attacks yesterday. Last night I had a dream that the baby was born. Birth was easy. But I couldn't figure out how to change diapers or feed the baby or wrap it in a blanket. Which is ridiculous! I've fed babies before. I've changed many diapers. I was never worried about having a baby in the house. Just the whole processed of having the baby. Any day now it'll latch on and start sucking the life out of me and unless I'm very, very lucky, it'll be horrible and I'm dreading it, especially since it could start at any moment and I won't know when or how bad it will be. I hate the unknown. I know this doesn't seem logical, but phobias never are. We've bought some more "remedies" to have on hand in case. Some Preggie Drops, which are just hard candies you suck on, and some chewable ones. Crackers, and some of the food that was recommended to be eaten before bed so you don't wake up feeling as bad. I was going to get ginger tea, peppermint tea, and chamomile tea, but I found a "first trimester tea" that is a combination of all three. Since I deal with a lot of anxiety (worse so in the past then now) I already know some comfort things I can do to make myself feel better when I get upset anxiety tummy and I can apply those. Hopefully they'll be helpful. My mom said she was a little nauseated with me, but I remember her throwing up all the time when she was pregnant with my little brother. I specifically remember her barging into the bathroom and tossing me off the toilet.

Oh, and in the dream, I didn't know the gender of the baby - or if I did, I don't remember it - but it was wrapped in blue. So, maybe that was my son, or very butch daughter, speaking to me.

OH MY GOD

With my period supposed to start tomorrow, Chandler and I were planning on taking a pregnancy test over the weekend. But we couldn't wait. We took a test tonight. I was expecting a no. I don't feel any different. I was expecting this to take a couple of months. I was so convinced I was not pregnant that I gave him a pep talk before we looked at the test. I told him it was not a big deal if it was negative. This was our first try. It's normal to take months to get pregnant. I didn't want him to feel sad or defeated, cause I knew he might even though it was just the first attempt.

So, I peed in a disposable plastic drinking cup, waited three minutes, and..... 2 lines. 2 LINES!

We couldn't believe it. We were in such disbelief, we took a second test. Same thing. Two false positives in a row isn't really possible, right? Anyway, I'm freaking out. Excited. Scared and freaking out. I already mentioned my puking phobia and I'm just waiting for that to suddenly start. I had a slight panic attack. We went out and bought some morning sickness remedies (those bands for you wrist, tea, crackers, preggie pops), that may or may not work, but at least we'll have them when it strikes. I'm crossing my fingers I won't have the worst of it, but I always assume the worst of things. When I calm myself down I'm thrilled, but I'm more freaked out then anything right now.

Month One

I'm not really counting last month as the first month trying, because we started so late that I knew it was too late. This month, April, we followed an ovulation chart and now we just have to wait until it's been enough time to take a pregnancy test. According to a chart I found, we should get an accurate reading on the 25th, so we've got a test all ready and waiting for me to pee on.

I've read that it typically takes the average couple a few months to get pregnant, so I'm not banking on it happening right away, but I am anxious to know for sure. We were out the other day and stopped at Babies "R" Us. We decided to pick up a couple of security blankets we've had our eye on. I kept the receipt in case, but even if it doesn't happen this month, it should happen eventually. One is a turtle and the other is an owl. He loves owls, I love turtles. We're waiting to see which the baby will pick. He or she will probably end up hating both animals. I'll post some pictures here so I can always know what the very first thing we ever bought for our baby was.

We also got a Psi band and some preggie suckers, both of which are supposed to help with morning sickness, as a preemptive measure since I've been pretty nervous about it. Most likely I'll need both, whether or they'll work is another question. I didn't want to check out at the store because I know people are nosy as hell and since I'm not officially pregnant yet (or don't know whether I am) I don't want to be asked awkward questions. Chandler didn't think anybody would say anything, but sent me out to the car while he paid.  Sure enough, nosy cashier asked him all kinds of questions, including how far along I am. He just said, "Far enough." and left. He didn't believe me that people would get all up in our business, but they did.

But if I was fearless...

As I guessed, last month would be a no go. But this month we're prepared. I'm fairly regular so I downloaded an ovulation app so I know when I'm fertile enough for us to do our thang. I'm excited about having a baby, telling my mom, starting our family.... Not so much about being pregnant. The one side effect of pregnancy that every human being knows about is morning sickness. And you may not know, as my husband didn't, it's not JUST in the morning. From what I hear, it's different for every woman, for every pregnancy. But the fact that it is a thing has me on edge. Simply put, I have a phobia about vomit. It causes probably about 75% of the anxiety I regularly deal with. I've spent a lot of time the last few months thinking about it and thinking about it and thinking about it and it makes me queasy just thinking about it. So, at this point I'm more terrified about being sick while I'm pregnant then I am about pushing a human being out of my vagina, which in itself is something out of a nightmare. I have little moments of mini anxiety attacks thinking about it. I'll go to great lengths to avoid someone I know who has a stomach virus. And now it's like I'm purposely wading into a vat of contagious vomit that's going to keep me sick for weeks or even months. My husband will say things like, "Well, that's pretty much a given." Thanks for the support, honey. Sometimes I'm gonna need to blatantly be lied to. I'm gonna need to be told things like, "That baby's just gonna slip out of you while you're sleeping and when you wake up, it'll be sitting next to you potty training itself and filling out college applications." I know it's not true, but sometimes in the moment, I need a lie or two. Not having kids yet doesn't mean I don't know what a wretched thing pregnancy and birth can be. I'm well aware! So, lie to me when I'm in panic mode.

Intro

My husband Chandler and I have been married for almost 6 months. We've been talking for a while about when we should have a baby. Our plan was to start trying this July. Nothing special about the month. It's an arbitrary choice based on a dream I had that we got pregnant in July. But since we have a time planned, we ended up talking about it a lot and getting anxious to start our family. So, one day last month we were like, "Let's just do it. Why wait?" So we did. He was hoping to "one shot it" and get pregnant right away but I knew the timing was off. It was like a week before my period. But he was excited about the idea, so we went out looking at baby stuff at Babies 'r Us. We're not naive enough to buy anything yet, but we did pick out some security blankets we want to eventually get. Owls and turtles are our big things and they had one of each. We took pictures to remind us what stuff we want to get when the time is right.

I started this blog because my husband and I have decided to start trying to have a baby and I wanted a way to keep track of how I felt during everything. I don't expect anyone to read it. It's mostly just for me. Though, once I'm pregnant and we're telling people, I'll probably share it with friends. Maybe even  let my kids read it when they're older, if I don't talk about my vagina too much.