Unreal

This still feels so unreal. This morning in the shower I touched my abdomen and thought to myself, "My baby's in there." Before I know it, it will be a full grown human. My mom has full grown kids having kids and someday that'll be me too. The circle of life!

But now I have other things to freak out about. As I've mentioned the idea of being sick and vomiting (and of course, giving birth) has had me freaked out. I had mini panic attacks yesterday. Last night I had a dream that the baby was born. Birth was easy. But I couldn't figure out how to change diapers or feed the baby or wrap it in a blanket. Which is ridiculous! I've fed babies before. I've changed many diapers. I was never worried about having a baby in the house. Just the whole processed of having the baby. Any day now it'll latch on and start sucking the life out of me and unless I'm very, very lucky, it'll be horrible and I'm dreading it, especially since it could start at any moment and I won't know when or how bad it will be. I hate the unknown. I know this doesn't seem logical, but phobias never are. We've bought some more "remedies" to have on hand in case. Some Preggie Drops, which are just hard candies you suck on, and some chewable ones. Crackers, and some of the food that was recommended to be eaten before bed so you don't wake up feeling as bad. I was going to get ginger tea, peppermint tea, and chamomile tea, but I found a "first trimester tea" that is a combination of all three. Since I deal with a lot of anxiety (worse so in the past then now) I already know some comfort things I can do to make myself feel better when I get upset anxiety tummy and I can apply those. Hopefully they'll be helpful. My mom said she was a little nauseated with me, but I remember her throwing up all the time when she was pregnant with my little brother. I specifically remember her barging into the bathroom and tossing me off the toilet.

Oh, and in the dream, I didn't know the gender of the baby - or if I did, I don't remember it - but it was wrapped in blue. So, maybe that was my son, or very butch daughter, speaking to me.