Is it over yet? Can I open my eyes?

My best friend died within 24 hours of finding out I was pregnant. She never even got to know. We weren't going to tell anyone other then family until the end of the first trimester. She was sick and in the hospital for months. If she hadn't been in the hospital, I might have told her right away. But in her condition, she wasn't really able to communicate. And if I were in her position, I don't know that I'd want to hear stuff like that. I remember after my last breakup everybody started getting engaged and I just wanted to hit everybody whose life was coming together. I figured she'd get a little better and she'd be back to talking and I'd tell her. Or I might have waited until I told everyone. Now it doesn't matter. She can't be told either way. She died never knowing. And I can't even be excited for myself. I mean, I am. But it's definitely marred by this. It's really really hard to be excited about new life when someone close just lost theirs. My stomach is in knots. On top of my anxiety about any impending morning sickness I'll have to deal with, I'm having trouble eating. And when I don't eat, I get an upset stomach from acid reflux. When I try to eat, most of the time my stomach just clenches and I can't even swallow. Crackers and peanut butter and toast are some things I have on hand in case I start feeling bad and need to eat light. But those are also the things I have the most trouble choking down.

I remember when I got married, I told her I was worried that when we had a baby, people wouldn't want to hang out with us anymore. She said we'd probably be too busy to hang out with her. I told her, "No way. You're gonna be Aunt Rose." And now it turns out we were both right. If this baby is a girl, it's middle name will definitely be Rose.

I'm gonna miss her.