The funeral was yesterday. I couldn't really speak at it. But I wrote her parents a note inside of a card. I told them about the baby. I wanted them to know what their daughter meant to be and how empty things are going to feel from now on. The funeral was nice. I'm glad I went. But I don't feel any different. The world feels more different now, but things still feel as surreal as they did the day before. My husband asked her mom if I could have one of the roses off the bouquet that was on her casket. I'm gonna dry it and put it in a container. Then I'm gonna make a memorial shelf for that and a photo of the two of us.
Today, I got up early and I meant to look through the pictures from C2E2 last weekend but instead I'm scrolling through old threads on Openly Clay, the fan forum Rose and I met on way back when. I'm looking through old messages and they go way to 2004/2005. I can't believe how quickly that time has gone bye. In a way I miss that time. "The good old days" I keep referring to it, even though I know they weren't good days at all. I hadn't met my husband. I was in a sucky relationship that would end a couple of years later. But Rose and I were back in the early days of our friendship. This was years before we even started hanging out in person. We had so much time together ahead of us and now we have nothing. I'm just sitting here in the living room crying quietly while my husband sleeps in the bedroom. He's very sweet and supportive and I wouldn't have been able to handle any of this without him. But sometimes he says things like, "Cheer up. Be happy for the sake of the baby." And I can't just "cheer up". My best friend is dead and our whole lives are different and nothing will ever be the same. We all sat in our hotel room the other night... and she wasn't there. It just felt so wrong. Especially when Mark is around. Those two were attached at the hip and for him to be there and her not, it just feels so weird and so wrong. This is gonna hurt for a long time.
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