4 Things

1) This bra isn't going to hold these girls on much longer.

2) Exhaustion hit me about halfway through the day today. I'm not sure if it's pregnancy or a side effect of grieving the loss of my friend. I've slept better the last two nights then I did the first two nights, but it takes me a long time to fall asleep. I just think about her a lot.

3) The last two days, I'm short of breath all the time. I guess it's the baby starting to suck my breath out.

4) Chandler and I went out today to Babies r Us just to look at baby stuff. I can't wait until we know what we're having so we can buy some clothes.

Grandma's

I had a bad day today. I didn't sleep well. I couldn't get through the first day of work since Rose died. Doing that normal everyday thing while she no longer exists was hard. I spent half a day at work and then went home. As soon as I got home I cried on the floor in the kitchen with the dog. She only cared about licking the tears of my face cause she likes salt.

Chandler and I went to the doctor tonight to get an official confirmation. Two positive pregnancy tests wasn't enough, we wanted to hear it from a doctor. We were so excited to hear a yes for sure. We were planning on telling our mom's on Mother's Day, but then we realized it's next weekend and not this weekend like we thought, and that's too long to wait. Plus, we could all use some uplifting right now. So, we got two cards that said something about Grandma and then signed it, "Love, Baby Matteucci". We were going to go to my mom's house but it turns out her and my dad were at the McDonald's just up the street from where we were with my niece and nephew. I called mom outside, she read the card and cried, called dad outside, he read the card and got very excited. I told my nephew Bubba he was gonna have a new cousin... he wasn't thrilled at all. Then we ran over to his parent's house and told them and they were equally as excited. It definitely cheered up my day. But of course as soon as I sat down at home, the grief hit me like a wrecking ball again. It passed quickly though. I can't believe i'm gonna do this without Rose. I want to do a gender reveal party. We would have planned it together, she would have made wonderful food, it would have been a great time. Same with a baby shower... i'm sad.

Is it over yet? Can I open my eyes?

My best friend died within 24 hours of finding out I was pregnant. She never even got to know. We weren't going to tell anyone other then family until the end of the first trimester. She was sick and in the hospital for months. If she hadn't been in the hospital, I might have told her right away. But in her condition, she wasn't really able to communicate. And if I were in her position, I don't know that I'd want to hear stuff like that. I remember after my last breakup everybody started getting engaged and I just wanted to hit everybody whose life was coming together. I figured she'd get a little better and she'd be back to talking and I'd tell her. Or I might have waited until I told everyone. Now it doesn't matter. She can't be told either way. She died never knowing. And I can't even be excited for myself. I mean, I am. But it's definitely marred by this. It's really really hard to be excited about new life when someone close just lost theirs. My stomach is in knots. On top of my anxiety about any impending morning sickness I'll have to deal with, I'm having trouble eating. And when I don't eat, I get an upset stomach from acid reflux. When I try to eat, most of the time my stomach just clenches and I can't even swallow. Crackers and peanut butter and toast are some things I have on hand in case I start feeling bad and need to eat light. But those are also the things I have the most trouble choking down.

I remember when I got married, I told her I was worried that when we had a baby, people wouldn't want to hang out with us anymore. She said we'd probably be too busy to hang out with her. I told her, "No way. You're gonna be Aunt Rose." And now it turns out we were both right. If this baby is a girl, it's middle name will definitely be Rose.

I'm gonna miss her.

Unreal

This still feels so unreal. This morning in the shower I touched my abdomen and thought to myself, "My baby's in there." Before I know it, it will be a full grown human. My mom has full grown kids having kids and someday that'll be me too. The circle of life!

But now I have other things to freak out about. As I've mentioned the idea of being sick and vomiting (and of course, giving birth) has had me freaked out. I had mini panic attacks yesterday. Last night I had a dream that the baby was born. Birth was easy. But I couldn't figure out how to change diapers or feed the baby or wrap it in a blanket. Which is ridiculous! I've fed babies before. I've changed many diapers. I was never worried about having a baby in the house. Just the whole processed of having the baby. Any day now it'll latch on and start sucking the life out of me and unless I'm very, very lucky, it'll be horrible and I'm dreading it, especially since it could start at any moment and I won't know when or how bad it will be. I hate the unknown. I know this doesn't seem logical, but phobias never are. We've bought some more "remedies" to have on hand in case. Some Preggie Drops, which are just hard candies you suck on, and some chewable ones. Crackers, and some of the food that was recommended to be eaten before bed so you don't wake up feeling as bad. I was going to get ginger tea, peppermint tea, and chamomile tea, but I found a "first trimester tea" that is a combination of all three. Since I deal with a lot of anxiety (worse so in the past then now) I already know some comfort things I can do to make myself feel better when I get upset anxiety tummy and I can apply those. Hopefully they'll be helpful. My mom said she was a little nauseated with me, but I remember her throwing up all the time when she was pregnant with my little brother. I specifically remember her barging into the bathroom and tossing me off the toilet.

Oh, and in the dream, I didn't know the gender of the baby - or if I did, I don't remember it - but it was wrapped in blue. So, maybe that was my son, or very butch daughter, speaking to me.

OH MY GOD

With my period supposed to start tomorrow, Chandler and I were planning on taking a pregnancy test over the weekend. But we couldn't wait. We took a test tonight. I was expecting a no. I don't feel any different. I was expecting this to take a couple of months. I was so convinced I was not pregnant that I gave him a pep talk before we looked at the test. I told him it was not a big deal if it was negative. This was our first try. It's normal to take months to get pregnant. I didn't want him to feel sad or defeated, cause I knew he might even though it was just the first attempt.

So, I peed in a disposable plastic drinking cup, waited three minutes, and..... 2 lines. 2 LINES!

We couldn't believe it. We were in such disbelief, we took a second test. Same thing. Two false positives in a row isn't really possible, right? Anyway, I'm freaking out. Excited. Scared and freaking out. I already mentioned my puking phobia and I'm just waiting for that to suddenly start. I had a slight panic attack. We went out and bought some morning sickness remedies (those bands for you wrist, tea, crackers, preggie pops), that may or may not work, but at least we'll have them when it strikes. I'm crossing my fingers I won't have the worst of it, but I always assume the worst of things. When I calm myself down I'm thrilled, but I'm more freaked out then anything right now.

Month One

I'm not really counting last month as the first month trying, because we started so late that I knew it was too late. This month, April, we followed an ovulation chart and now we just have to wait until it's been enough time to take a pregnancy test. According to a chart I found, we should get an accurate reading on the 25th, so we've got a test all ready and waiting for me to pee on.

I've read that it typically takes the average couple a few months to get pregnant, so I'm not banking on it happening right away, but I am anxious to know for sure. We were out the other day and stopped at Babies "R" Us. We decided to pick up a couple of security blankets we've had our eye on. I kept the receipt in case, but even if it doesn't happen this month, it should happen eventually. One is a turtle and the other is an owl. He loves owls, I love turtles. We're waiting to see which the baby will pick. He or she will probably end up hating both animals. I'll post some pictures here so I can always know what the very first thing we ever bought for our baby was.

We also got a Psi band and some preggie suckers, both of which are supposed to help with morning sickness, as a preemptive measure since I've been pretty nervous about it. Most likely I'll need both, whether or they'll work is another question. I didn't want to check out at the store because I know people are nosy as hell and since I'm not officially pregnant yet (or don't know whether I am) I don't want to be asked awkward questions. Chandler didn't think anybody would say anything, but sent me out to the car while he paid.  Sure enough, nosy cashier asked him all kinds of questions, including how far along I am. He just said, "Far enough." and left. He didn't believe me that people would get all up in our business, but they did.

But if I was fearless...

As I guessed, last month would be a no go. But this month we're prepared. I'm fairly regular so I downloaded an ovulation app so I know when I'm fertile enough for us to do our thang. I'm excited about having a baby, telling my mom, starting our family.... Not so much about being pregnant. The one side effect of pregnancy that every human being knows about is morning sickness. And you may not know, as my husband didn't, it's not JUST in the morning. From what I hear, it's different for every woman, for every pregnancy. But the fact that it is a thing has me on edge. Simply put, I have a phobia about vomit. It causes probably about 75% of the anxiety I regularly deal with. I've spent a lot of time the last few months thinking about it and thinking about it and thinking about it and it makes me queasy just thinking about it. So, at this point I'm more terrified about being sick while I'm pregnant then I am about pushing a human being out of my vagina, which in itself is something out of a nightmare. I have little moments of mini anxiety attacks thinking about it. I'll go to great lengths to avoid someone I know who has a stomach virus. And now it's like I'm purposely wading into a vat of contagious vomit that's going to keep me sick for weeks or even months. My husband will say things like, "Well, that's pretty much a given." Thanks for the support, honey. Sometimes I'm gonna need to blatantly be lied to. I'm gonna need to be told things like, "That baby's just gonna slip out of you while you're sleeping and when you wake up, it'll be sitting next to you potty training itself and filling out college applications." I know it's not true, but sometimes in the moment, I need a lie or two. Not having kids yet doesn't mean I don't know what a wretched thing pregnancy and birth can be. I'm well aware! So, lie to me when I'm in panic mode.

Intro

My husband Chandler and I have been married for almost 6 months. We've been talking for a while about when we should have a baby. Our plan was to start trying this July. Nothing special about the month. It's an arbitrary choice based on a dream I had that we got pregnant in July. But since we have a time planned, we ended up talking about it a lot and getting anxious to start our family. So, one day last month we were like, "Let's just do it. Why wait?" So we did. He was hoping to "one shot it" and get pregnant right away but I knew the timing was off. It was like a week before my period. But he was excited about the idea, so we went out looking at baby stuff at Babies 'r Us. We're not naive enough to buy anything yet, but we did pick out some security blankets we want to eventually get. Owls and turtles are our big things and they had one of each. We took pictures to remind us what stuff we want to get when the time is right.

I started this blog because my husband and I have decided to start trying to have a baby and I wanted a way to keep track of how I felt during everything. I don't expect anyone to read it. It's mostly just for me. Though, once I'm pregnant and we're telling people, I'll probably share it with friends. Maybe even  let my kids read it when they're older, if I don't talk about my vagina too much.