Week 9!

Because I spend too much time on the internet researching that what I fear, I kept reading that weeks 9 and 10 are the most common worst weeks for morning sickness. Week 9 was the best for me so far. Anything could happen heading into week ten now. I feel a little icky in the morning, but I've found that eating a hard boiled egg before I leave for work really helps even me out and I get through the day without really feeling sick, as long as I keep something in my stomach. My only other issues have been gas and exhaustion. I feel like I'm hooked up to a helium tank that keeps refilling me. My husband says, "Why don't you just burp?" Well, yeah. But 1) I'm not some neanderthal that can sit their burping at will and 2) even if I could, pregnancy gas fills right back up again. And the exhaustion. Oh, the exhaustion. A couple of days ago, I was so exhausted I started to cry. And I had like two hours left at work. I texted my husband that I was "so exhausted I could cry" and he responds with "me too." He's lucky he's breathing right now. I had to lecture him about 3 different times since then about how he is never to compare us. He can't out-pregnant pregnancy and it's ridiculous to even try. He's not trying to be insulting, but it is insulting. I'm not exhausted because I can't sleep, or because I got up early, or because I worked all day. I'm exhausted because there is a human being inside of me sucking up every ounce of my energy to give itself life. Nothing compares. Men, right?

So tired

My 3-day work weekend is finally done and I'm off tomorrow. I've been sleeping better but I'm still really tired. I was nauseous all of Saturday and Sunday (mostly while at work) but today it passed after breakfast and I've felt good ever since. Hopefully that keeps up.  I'm glad I'm off tomorrow. I'm still upset about that bullshit on Friday. I worked hard this weekend, all by myself, while feeling like garbage most of the time. I don't want to look at any of my coworkers right now.

People. What a bunch of bastards.

So, yesterday, I got up for work after yet another sleepless night. I even laid out on the couch for a while thinking watching some TV would make me sleepy, but nope. I watched two episodes of Girl Meets World and was still wide awake, so I went back in the bedroom to stare at the ceiling in there. So, anyway, because I had another sleepless night, I felt pretty crappy standing up. I was kind of weak, I was exhausted, and I was queasy. My hips also hurt. It's not unusual for my left hip to hurt, especially if I lie on it for too long, but it was unusual for both sides of my hips to hurt. I decided I wasn't going to work. Put up with a bunch of crap while feeling like crap? Hell no. I called and the person who answered said, "Sigh.... so-and-so wants to leave early and so-and-so is on vacation." I might have been talked into sucking it up and coming in but she was completely rude so I just said, "Okay?" And then said bye and hung up. Fuck that. She knows why I feel like crap, she's been pregnant before. And I have to work this whole weekend, plus Memorial Day. I gave zero fucks about coming to work while feeling like shit so other people could leave early for their 3-day weekends.

Galloping horses!

I had my first OB appointment yesterday. I was sooo nervous. I didn't know what was going to happen or what they were going to do, and I had this fear in the back of my mind that the doctor would look and there'd be no baby. I've heard stories of women who were pregnant but when they went in for the first ultrasound, there was no yolk sac or no heart beat.

The appointment wasn't so bad. My parents came along in case we were going to see or hear the heartbeat. The ultrasound was the first thing the doctor did. She said, "We're gonna put this wand in you." and I was like, "Wait, what? In?" Chandler was worried that it wasn't clean, but I said that I was more concerned about where it was going. However, it didn't hurt. Just felt weird. But we saw our baby. <3 Perfectly implanted. Based on the size 7 weeks, 1 day. We heard our baby. Nice, strong heartbeat of 160 BPM. Sounded like horses galloping. I cried. My mom cried. I couldn't even believe it.

Before we even left the office, I posted the ultrasound pic on Facebook, along with this status update:

"So, I went to the doctor, peed in 2 cups (and on my hand), filled 8 vials of blood, had a few different things stuck up my vagina, and then this."

Chandler started calling him or her "jelly bean". <3

I can't stop looking at that picture.

Food!

The baby has made me a fickle eater. It's picky and indecisive just like it's daddy. We planned on having steak on Sunday. I love the way we make our steak. But that morning, I was like, "Ew, no steak." I've been wanting tacos for like two weeks. We bought all the stuff and I supposed to make them yesterday but then I was like, "Ew, no tacos."  I had a craving for cake yesterday, bought a piece, at some of it, and then said, "Ew, I don't want cake anymore." Today, I took three different things to work with me for lunch to ensure there'd be something I would eat cause apparently I can't trust that what I pack in the morning is going to sound good by lunchtime. 

The other problem I'm having is that I can't sleep. I fall asleep right away at night but I sleep about three hours and then spend the rest of the night tossing and turning, wide awake. So, on top of just regular pregnancy tiredness, I'm tired from not sleeping enough. But I just keep telling myself, it's better then puking. I shouldn't complain. 

Week 7, day 2

On Saturday, I went to garage sales with my parents. Then we did some grocery shopping. It was nice to spend some time just the three of us. It doesn't happen and once the baby gets here, I doubt it'll ever happen again. We're not above buying used stuff like some of you prissy pants, elitists. We saw so many cute girl baby clothes but obviously we don't know what it is yet. No need to waste money but some of the outfits were only like 50 cents or a dollar. There were a couple of houses with ridiculous prices. Some women be like "this outfit is $50. Because I paid $80 in the store." Bitch, I don't care what you paid. This is a garage sale. Nobody's paying $50 to buy some old outfit out of your garage. Bye, Felicia. 

My mom found a play pen that looked practically new for $25. She got it so she can  have one at her place. I spent most of the day being nauseous but that was about it. Sunday, I wasn't really nauseous but I had trouble eating cause my appetite was so fickle. The idea of eating most things made me want to puke. I was also tired and out breath anytime we did something. We went for a walk around the mall and on the way to the car I got so tired and out of breath, I had to sit in the grass while Chandler went to get the car. The whole time I'm thinking, "This is how a missing person crime show starts." But luckily I was not kidnapped. 

Today was more of the completely exhausted/short of breath. Better then being nauseous though. So I guess I shouldn't complain. Though either way it's a reminder here's life growing inside me with is completely overwhelming sometimes. 

I'm not funny anymore!

I'm worried I've lost my sense of humor. Typically, most of the things I write are funny. I write reviews and recaps and other things for a site called Project Fandom. Before that, I wrote stuff for a site called Vagina Con. I've written fan fiction, short movie scripts, and just other random stories and they're always funny. This blog is boring as hell. I haven't showed it to anyone but when I do, who is gonna want to read it? I don't even want to read it and it's mine! Hopefully I haven't forgotten how to be funny. I want to write something worth reading, ya know? Something that will make people laugh. Something that "sounds" like me. Maybe I just need to get more comfortable in this pregnancy. My first OB appointment is next Thursday and I'm nervous something will be wrong. I keep reading about blighted ovums, and chemical pregnancies, and embryos that just never grow. Maybe once things are confirmed and safe, I'll be able to be more relaxed in my writing.

Mother's Day

Today's Mother's Day. We spent it at my brother's house. His boyfriend, and the boyfriends aunt, brother, and parents joined us. Along with my brother, sister-in-law and the niece and nephew. And of course my parents. Chandler had gotten orchid corsages for my and my mom and my mom gave me a beautiful orange Lily plant. Hopefully I can keep it alive. It was a great time. We barbecued and hung out. My brother's boyfriend's aunt brought her 3 month old daughter along. She was so cute. I got to hold her a lot and we talked about how a year from now that'll be us. The aunt started talking about testing for Down's Syndrome and the odds for miscarriage which thoroughly panicked Chandler. I understand why. Baby's with problems like that require more money to care for and we don't have money. But we also make too much money to get any assistance for anything. If our baby has Down's and we keep it, we'll essentially end up living under a bridge. Fingers crossed for a healthy baby. 

Week 6 Day 4

Yesterday was interesting.

I've been nauseous on and off since lunch yesterday, mostly on. I feel better immediately after eating but it doesn't last long. But if this is the worst I'll have to deal with, it's not that bad. I'm nervous it will get worse and worse though.

Last night we went to Walmart. We've had the crib bedding we want picked out for months and every time we go to Walmart, we stop to look at it. We're waiting until at least 3 months to make any big purchases like that. Last night, everything was on clearance. Walmart is getting rid of the whole Carter line, they said. So, we grabbed everything. With the clearance prices, it only cost us about $100 for everything. Today, we ran out to a different Walmart to see if they had any more sheets. We thought it was good to have about four.

It's so cute. I can't wait until it's time to set up the crib.

Last night I had a dream that the husband and I went out to a David Cook concert. It was in somebody's house, cause we were walking through the house and kept passing him and he was a major douche. I don't know why my subconscious would do that to me. We never saw the show because I started bleeding and we thought it was a miscarriage and had to leave. I woke up freaked out, but wasn't bleeding in real life.

Week 6, Day 1

I've been keeping up with my baby's progress. Right now he or she should have eyebuds and a heartbeat. Very alien looking.

So far any symptoms I have are fairly mild. My fingers are crossed they stay that way but I guess we'll see. I had a few moments of extreme fatigue but those passed quickly and now I just feel sort of tired all the time. I feel a little nauseous during the car rides to work but that's about it as far as tummy troubles go. My worst symptom (and I'm not complaining! I'll take this over the worser possibilities) has been these cramps I get on and off throughout the day. They feel like period cramps or very intense gas pains in my intestines. I've read it's fine as long as there's no bleeding. Just my intestine's softening and/or uterus stretching. My boobs are also huge. The husband is happy but it hurts to sleep on them and if I have my bra off which I do at night and usually in the evenings when I'm relaxing, they hurt worse with no support. They're practically bowling balls.

Week 5

So, other than the occasional bought of exhaustion, and one day last week where I was short of breath all day, I've had few pregnancy symptoms. Not that I'm complaining, but two or three days went by without those two things even happening and so we got a little paranoid and decided to take another pregnancy test just in case the first two tests and the doctor were wrong. Or maybe something happened. It was still positive, but it sort of eased our paranoid minds. It's our first baby and we both have been reading a lot about it, so we're on high alert.

Today this, Chandler was making a pizza in the pizza oven and it smelled horrible. My stomach was turning. I had to sit by the open balcony door to breath fresh air and not nasty pizza odor. I guess that's my first ever pregnancy smell aversion. But Home Run Inn pizza is nasty anyway. My baby is already smart.

It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

The funeral was yesterday. I couldn't really speak at it. But I wrote her parents a note inside of a card. I told them about the baby. I wanted them to know what their daughter meant to be and how empty things are going to feel from now on. The funeral was nice. I'm glad I went. But I don't feel any different. The world feels more different now, but things still feel as surreal as they did the day before. My husband asked her mom if I could have one of the roses off the bouquet that was on her casket. I'm gonna dry it and put it in a container. Then I'm gonna make a memorial shelf for that and a photo of the two of us.

Today, I got up early and I meant to look through the pictures from C2E2 last weekend but instead I'm scrolling through old threads on Openly Clay, the fan forum Rose and I met on way back when. I'm looking through old messages and they go way to 2004/2005. I can't believe how quickly that time has gone bye. In a way I miss that time. "The good old days" I keep referring to it, even though I know they weren't good days at all. I hadn't met my husband. I was in a sucky relationship that would end a couple of years later. But Rose and I were back in the early days of our friendship. This was years before we even started hanging out in person. We had so much time together ahead of us and now we have nothing. I'm just sitting here in the living room crying quietly while my husband sleeps in the bedroom. He's very sweet and supportive and I wouldn't have been able to handle any of this without him. But sometimes he says things like, "Cheer up. Be happy for the sake of the baby." And I can't just "cheer up". My best friend is dead and our whole lives are different and nothing will ever be the same. We all sat in our hotel room the other night... and she wasn't there. It just felt so wrong. Especially when Mark is around. Those two were attached at the hip and for him to be there and her not, it just feels so weird and so wrong. This is gonna hurt for a long time.